Last night, I was trying to finish drawing a comic strip, which I will post later, and I saw something on GBS about local asslord Romeo Rose publicly stating an intention to run for Mayor of Austin, and I remembered that, a few years ago, while I was looking for a job, a neighbor of mine suggesting that I should run for mayor, and I thought, well, if that dicksalad isn’t going to shut up and leave the city, and thinks he should make even more of a public spectacle of himself (seriously, shouldn’t we just stop giving him the attention he seems to crave so badly) then I’m going to run for mayor too. Bellow is a slightly edited and expanded version of my post in GBS, outlining my platform.
I could try to cash in on the one time a dumb picture of me ended up on the Austin subreddit by running my entire campaign in a luchadore mask and daisy dukes.
Like, for real, I’ll seriously declare my intention to run for mayor, right this stupid minute.
I, Walter Rory Harman, also known as Rory Blank, also known as General Thurgood Thundertank Sexfalcon III, am officially declaring my sincere desire to serve as the mayor of the city of Austin Texas, and my intention to seek the office to the fullest extent of my ability.
Outlined below are a few policy decisions I would like to pursue, which I think can help outline my vision for the city of Austin, and its future as a thriving metropolis and a hub for creativity and commerce:
- Set up some of those neato parking meter things like they have in Denver that allow you to donate change to homeless shelters.
- Require all clubs and bars that play dance music or cater to a “party” crowd to dedicate 10 minutes out of every hour to playing classical music at a reasonable volume, in order to give patrons a moment to relax, catch their breath, and be able to have a conversation without shouting. Also all drinks with words like “orgasm” in their name will have said word replaced with “butt tickle”
- Support the expansion of the city’s recycling program, including the development of a state of the art recyclable material processing plant.
- Lift public noise curfew to for public arts performances or change the city’s slogan from Live Music Capital Of The World to I Secretly Resent Everyone Who Moved Here After I Did.
- Require all city police officers to engage in monthly reading assignments and book reports, including Plato’s Republic and Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.
- Modify police uniforms to make them more “friendly”.
- Replace police siren noise with something less stressful, like some Enya or some Kenny G.
- Paint the Motörhead logo on the capital building. Motörhead rules.
- Decriminalize most drugs and provide rehabilitative treatment for addicts.
- Remove roadways on the highly trafficked parts of 6th street and replace them with wooded glens or a bog, not including intersections and alleyways. That would be stupid.
- Support expansion to public library and museum system.
- Find budgetary shortcuts to subsidize public transportation.
- Field sobriety tests must include a full performance of the Hokey Pokey, with full participation by the officers involved.
- Increase accessibility of services to aid drunk people in getting home safely.
- Require all skyscrapers, highrise condominiums, and shopping strips to make use of their extra roof space for solar paneling systems or urban farming programs, as well as push the city to develop a largescale vertical farming center.
- Require all large truck and SUV owners who do not use the vehicle for practical purposes, to put truck nuts on their car.
- Change the punishment for littering, public urination and other related offenses to a mandate on the citizen to powerwash an entire block of the city.
- Change the official website address of Austin to Chumpzone.com, because that’s way cooler.
- In acknowledgement of the growing wealth inequality that often comes with the rapid urban development of a city, I pledge to reduce my yearly salary to $17,235 (the current mayor makes about $80,00), and encourage/shame all city council members to reduce their salaries.
- Further, in an effort to increase my accessibility as a public representative, I will be taking up residency on a houseboat docked off of the lake downtown.
- Levy fines against developers for the continued use of cheap stucco as a primary finish for new buildings, because it’s fucking ugly and bland.
- Legally require Romeo Rose to change his name to Piss Sandwich or Duke Muntington Fartsalot.
- Decriminalize graffiti, as long as you’re doing something more interesting than writing your name.
- Create a citywide holiday to celebrate the cultural contributions of local moron Alex Jones, including building a cake in the shape of the WTC, with a giant question mark painted on the side.
- Build some artificial bogs.
- Put up some more statues. Like a bunch of horses or some shit.
- Remove the “Hi, How Are You” painting, wall and all, from the business it’s attached to, and put it in a fucking museum or something.
- Postal workers to deliver candy along with daily mail.
- Use tax money to provide Piss Sandwich with a real doll. The real doll does not meet any of his physical requirements for a partner.
- Change the name of Tarrytown to Scarytown and require its residents to have Halloween decorations yearround. Or Scarrytown in honor of Richard Scarry, including a statue of that worm dude.
- Also, getting back to the statues, encourage the homeless of the city, in rehabilitation programs, to use collected recycling materials for the creation of public art installations.
- Officially rebuke whoever it was who had the bright idea to turn homeless people into wifi hotspots during SXSW a few years ago.
- Legally require the mayor, myself, and all future mayors, to wear a large, jewel incrusted codpiece at all public functions. Jewels may be cheap plastic ones from Hobby Lobby. Also a wizard hat.
- All citizens are allowed to use jewels as legal currency. Not gold or silver though, the conversion rates fluctuate way too much.
- Did I mention the statues? Seriously. More statues. And maybe a hedgemaze and some nice topiary trees.
- Bring me some mac and cheese.
- Line every available point of I-35 with trees. Tree planting may be used as an offset for fines against developers for making ugly-ass buildings.
- In order to foster Austin’s growing film industry, finance a Rick Perry style ad campaign to convince porn companies to relocate their productions to Austin.
- Finance the construction of a petting zoo on the lawn of the capital. And make sure to get some capybaras. Those things are so dope.
- Construct an obelisk dedicated to the memory of forgotten obelisks.
- Install a button on the Willie Nelson statue that makes it light up and play Whiskey River, as well as spray whiskey out of the mouth, in a fine, eye burning mist.
- Banish true prophets, embrace false profits.
- Require all upcoming X-Games events to include freeskate, and that between uses for F1, that the Circuit of the Americas be open for go-cart racing and bumper cars.
- Revamp the Texas music museum, making sure to include wax museum dummies of notable Texas musicians, including DJ Screw and Gary Floyd from The Dicks.
- Ban any usage of the image of Leslie Cochran for profit.
- Replace all bicycle cops with segway cops.
- Monthly mayoral address to the city, performed as puppet theater.
- Build a bunch of cool tunnels under downtown. You could put all kinds of cool shit down there, like shops, bars, restaurants, alligators.
- Black metal day. Festivities to include the building and burning of a stave church.
- Change the name of the strip of I-35 that runs through Austin to “Fuck You Street”
I am dead fucking serious.