If Amazon starts doing drone delivery in Austin, I’m going to start ordering things on Amazon, just so I can suction cup dongs onto the drones. Suction cup dongs which, conveniently, I can also order from Amazon.
I think the quickest way to legalize gay marriage in every state would be to declare that, if corporations count as people, all corporations are also men, making all corporate mergers into gay marriages.
It has come to my attention that krokodil, probably the stupidest drug in existence, has come to the United States. If elected mayor, my plan to combat the proliferation of the drug is to release actual live crocodiles onto the city streets, making people way too busy trying to not be eaten to think about doing cheap, skin-eating heroin.
I was thinking about my qualifications to be mayor, and in particular my educational background in Political Science, with an emphasis on political philosophy, and I remembered that I also minored in Russian, and I straight up have no idea how to incorporate that, other than trying to create a wormhole teleportation gate between here and Moscow.
If I’m going to run for mayor I’m going to need someone who can do signlanguage translations during my speeches, because I believe really strongly making all communication as accessible as possible, and I’m going to need that signer to be able to do perform magic tricks with doves and explosions, because I believe that would be rad as fuck.
Anyone out there great at ASL AND pulling rabbits out of hats?
Oh yeah, for those not in the know, our short, M Is For Mindmeld made the list for the twelve finalists in the ABCs of Death 2 contest.
No matter what happens now, we’ve made it astonishingly far, and I’m honored to have been involved.
And now Bill Plympton has to watch a thing I worked on. http://26th.abcsofdeathpart2.com/entry/m-is-for-mind-meld/
Last night, I was trying to finish drawing a comic strip, which I will post later, and I saw something on GBS about local asslord Romeo Rose publicly stating an intention to run for Mayor of Austin, and I remembered that, a few years ago, while I was looking for a job, a neighbor of mine suggesting that I should run for mayor, and I thought, well, if that dicksalad isn’t going to shut up and leave the city, and thinks he should make even more of a public spectacle of himself (seriously, shouldn’t we just stop giving him the attention he seems to crave so badly) then I’m going to run for mayor too. Bellow is a slightly edited and expanded version of my post in GBS, outlining my platform.
I could try to cash in on the one time a dumb picture of me ended up on the Austin subreddit by running my entire campaign in a luchadore mask and daisy dukes. Like, for real, I’ll seriously declare my intention to run for mayor, right this stupid minute.
I, Walter Rory Harman, also known as Rory Blank, also known as General Thurgood Thundertank Sexfalcon III, am officially declaring my sincere desire to serve as the mayor of the city of Austin Texas, and my intention to seek the office to the fullest extent of my ability.
Outlined below are a few policy decisions I would like to pursue, which I think can help outline my vision for the city of Austin, and its future as a thriving metropolis and a hub for creativity and commerce:
Set up some of those neato parking meter things like they have in Denver that allow you to donate change to homeless shelters.
Require all clubs and bars that play dance music or cater to a “party” crowd to dedicate 10 minutes out of every hour to playing classical music at a reasonable volume, in order to give patrons a moment to relax, catch their breath, and be able to have a conversation without shouting. Also all drinks with words like “orgasm” in their name will have said word replaced with “butt tickle”
Support the expansion of the city’s recycling program, including the development of a state of the art recyclable material processing plant.
Lift public noise curfew to for public arts performances or change the city’s slogan from Live Music Capital Of The World to I Secretly Resent Everyone Who Moved Here After I Did.
Require all city police officers to engage in monthly reading assignments and book reports, including Plato’s Republic and Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.
Modify police uniforms to make them more “friendly”.
Replace police siren noise with something less stressful, like some Enya or some Kenny G.
Paint the Motörhead logo on the capital building. Motörhead rules.
Decriminalize most drugs and provide rehabilitative treatment for addicts.
Remove roadways on the highly trafficked parts of 6th street and replace them with wooded glens or a bog, not including intersections and alleyways. That would be stupid.
Support expansion to public library and museum system.
Find budgetary shortcuts to subsidize public transportation.
Field sobriety tests must include a full performance of the Hokey Pokey, with full participation by the officers involved.
Increase accessibility of services to aid drunk people in getting home safely.
Require all skyscrapers, highrise condominiums, and shopping strips to make use of their extra roof space for solar paneling systems or urban farming programs, as well as push the city to develop a largescale vertical farming center.
Require all large truck and SUV owners who do not use the vehicle for practical purposes, to put truck nuts on their car.
Change the punishment for littering, public urination and other related offenses to a mandate on the citizen to powerwash an entire block of the city.
Change the official website address of Austin to Chumpzone.com, because that’s way cooler.
In acknowledgement of the growing wealth inequality that often comes with the rapid urban development of a city, I pledge to reduce my yearly salary to $17,235 (the current mayor makes about $80,00), and encourage/shame all city council members to reduce their salaries.
Further, in an effort to increase my accessibility as a public representative, I will be taking up residency on a houseboat docked off of the lake downtown.
Levy fines against developers for the continued use of cheap stucco as a primary finish for new buildings, because it’s fucking ugly and bland.
Legally require Romeo Rose to change his name to Piss Sandwich or Duke Muntington Fartsalot.
Decriminalize graffiti, as long as you’re doing something more interesting than writing your name.
Create a citywide holiday to celebrate the cultural contributions of local moron Alex Jones, including building a cake in the shape of the WTC, with a giant question mark painted on the side.
Build some artificial bogs.
Put up some more statues. Like a bunch of horses or some shit.
Remove the “Hi, How Are You” painting, wall and all, from the business it’s attached to, and put it in a fucking museum or something.
Postal workers to deliver candy along with daily mail.
Use tax money to provide Piss Sandwich with a real doll. The real doll does not meet any of his physical requirements for a partner.
Change the name of Tarrytown to Scarytown and require its residents to have Halloween decorations yearround. Or Scarrytown in honor of Richard Scarry, including a statue of that worm dude.
Also, getting back to the statues, encourage the homeless of the city, in rehabilitation programs, to use collected recycling materials for the creation of public art installations.
Officially rebuke whoever it was who had the bright idea to turn homeless people into wifi hotspots during SXSW a few years ago.
Legally require the mayor, myself, and all future mayors, to wear a large, jewel incrusted codpiece at all public functions. Jewels may be cheap plastic ones from Hobby Lobby. Also a wizard hat.
All citizens are allowed to use jewels as legal currency. Not gold or silver though, the conversion rates fluctuate way too much.
Did I mention the statues? Seriously. More statues. And maybe a hedgemaze and some nice topiary trees.
Bring me some mac and cheese.
Line every available point of I-35 with trees. Tree planting may be used as an offset for fines against developers for making ugly-ass buildings.
In order to foster Austin’s growing film industry, finance a Rick Perry style ad campaign to convince porn companies to relocate their productions to Austin.
Finance the construction of a petting zoo on the lawn of the capital. And make sure to get some capybaras. Those things are so dope.
Construct an obelisk dedicated to the memory of forgotten obelisks.
Install a button on the Willie Nelson statue that makes it light up and play Whiskey River, as well as spray whiskey out of the mouth, in a fine, eye burning mist.
Banish true prophets, embrace false profits.
Require all upcoming X-Games events to include freeskate, and that between uses for F1, that the Circuit of the Americas be open for go-cart racing and bumper cars.
Revamp the Texas music museum, making sure to include wax museum dummies of notable Texas musicians, including DJ Screw and Gary Floyd from The Dicks.
Ban any usage of the image of Leslie Cochran for profit.
Replace all bicycle cops with segway cops.
Monthly mayoral address to the city, performed as puppet theater.
Build a bunch of cool tunnels under downtown. You could put all kinds of cool shit down there, like shops, bars, restaurants, alligators.
Black metal day. Festivities to include the building and burning of a stave church.
Change the name of the strip of I-35 that runs through Austin to “Fuck You Street”
Hey guys. I’ve been really sick the last few days, and busy all of last weekend (more on that later), but today’s the last day that you can look at and or vote for this short film I worked on back in September, and it would be really neat if you did.
A scary room full of severed hands in jars, and when people go into the room, the hands make a ‘jerk off’ motion
Blood-play mummy, but it’s a mummy so it doesn’t have any blood and it gets Evan Peters to bleed on it
Dylan McDermot runs a Haunted Fleshlight Factory (the factory is haunted, not the fleshlights, at least until Ep. 6 when Dylan McDermot dies in a sexy accident doing love to a fleshlight and gets caught in the fleshlight machine)
A horse, but it has the teeth and eyes of a man
One of those Zentai suits and you think someone is wearing it the whole time, but really it’s full of rats
An episode already in gif sets
Zachary Quinto wraps a belt around his neck and hangs it from a scary gargoyle before he j’s/o, but the gargoyle head breaks off and lands on Zachary Quinto’s head, turning him into a gargoyle
Pol Pot is still alive, and he’s living in rural Indiana
I was going to say ‘Sexy School Shooter’ but I guess you guys already did that one
Jessica Lange’s soul is trapped in a 17th century ceremonial dagger, and is accidentally freed when a US soldier in the Pacific Theater cuts his finger using the dagger to open a sexy letter from his girlfriend. He bleeds onto the haunted dagger and the envelope, and Jessica Lange becomes a Paper Woman, who tries to kill the soldier’s girlfriend (Sarah Paulson).
Amorous Teens have a keg party atop an ancient indian burial ground.
Elizabeth Bathory possesses a cheer captain through a series of lascivious text messages sent from beyond the grave.
An intro sequence that’s just grey-scale news footage about those German dudes that sex-ate each other, and you can still see the LiveLeak logo in the corner.
An angel of exotic ethnicity performs oral sex on multiple members of the cast, but may be a demon.
Dylan McDermot’s house is haunted by all of his loads, prompting his wife (Clea DuVall) to caution him that “the cum is calling from inside the house”.
My friend Walker is one of the funniest people you could be following on tumblr, and might not be.
Alright, here’s some real shit, dude. There are four cats in my house, and last night I saw a rat the size of my hand running around free and unconcerned, and all I see those cats doing is poking eachother. I mean shit, dude. Could you guys stop doin that for like, five minutes and catch a fucking rat?